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February 25th, 2012
 | 12:07 am - Fanfic: Shine, Turn
Title: Shine, Turn
Fandom: Once Upon A Time
Rating: All
Pairings/Characters: Mr. Gold/Belle
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers for 1x12
Summary: What's going on in Mr. Gold's mind when he polishes the silver in his shop.
( Full is not heavy as empty, not nearly my love. )
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August 22nd, 2011
 | 10:40 pm - Enough!
I have decided it's time for me to de-stress. And not just for an hour or a day, but for good. I stress about everything, even silly things. I have to stop. What's the use of stressing anyway? I was doing yoga last night and it hit me. I can go about my life in a state of panic, or I can just chill. It won't be easy, but I have to try.
Work's been fine. I've come to an understanding there too. I could freak out about everything that happens or I can roll with it. This job isn't my passion and it doesn't dictate who I am. I will do my 'passion' things at home and use this job to keep the bills paid.
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August 10th, 2011
 | 10:58 pm
My dog may have been bitten by a brown recluse tonight. I saw her batting at something in the hall so I got up to check. I found a spider with two legs missing. She lost interest and walked away and I grabbed a shoe to squash it. I didn't completely obliterate it so we were able to identify it. I am 99.9% sure it's a recluse. This is bad because a) it could have bitten my dog and b) there are brown fucking recluses in my HOUSE! I am really, really upset about this. I've never had a problem with bugs, even with spiders, but I am so terrified now that I can barely walk down my hallway. I'm dreading bed time because I know they can hide in bedclothes. I have the sudden compulsion to throw EVERYTHING away and strip the house down to the brass tacks. I just can't handle this, I'm freaking out.
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June 5th, 2011
| 01:37 pm - D-Day
I start my new job tomorrow. Oddly enough, I start work on the anniversaries of both the battle of Midway and D-Day. To say that I was nervous would be an understatement. At least I'm not storming a beach amid heavy artillery fire. Of course, who wouldn't be nervous of their first day? I've been at home, at my own mercy, for the past year. This is going to be a change. I hope I get used to it quickly. It's funny, I find myself worrying about silly little things like what kind of coffee they drink there and if I'll have room in a fridge for my lunch. I wonder what kind of space I'll have, if I'll have room on my desk for some personal things. I wonder about music and whether they let people listen to stuff while they work. I dreamed last night about trying on clothes, trying to decide what to wear. I'm kinda crazy.
On other fronts, I'm close to saying it's time for me to call one of my friends merely an acquaintance. This friend has had the same energy expended on them as I do my other friends for quite some time, but they still seem to act as if my husband and I aren't much in ways of importance. For my sanity, I'm downgrading their status. I think it will make me feel better. As I've described to my husband, a friend (to me) is someone who returns messages, who doesn't act as if they're avoiding someone. A friend sees the kindness afforded them and is grateful. They don't talk about how awesome their other friends are every time they see you. This person has a very self-centered and egotistical air about them and it's gotten worse lately.
I will try to journal how work is going. I have a feeling I will be very tired this week, but I'll need to get things out. Have an awesome week everyone and thanks again for your support!
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June 2nd, 2011
 | 04:20 pm - Slow and Steady
Okay, so maybe I wasn't so steady sometimes. After a year of searching and worrying, I've found a new job. I'm frightened, but who isn't when they start something new. It's like visiting a foreign country or something. I have high hopes and I can't wait. I start Monday.
I found myself thinking about my last job, how things ended. I don't think I'll ever forget that pain, that anguish of marching slowly to the employment gallows. Perhaps I needed to experience that for some future reference.
I thank all my friends for their support during this trying time. I know it was hard, believe me. I'm proud to have such supportive friends and family. God has been good to me and I can say, though there were times I was close, I never lost faith completely. I guess the only way to face a mortal and human foe like unemployment is to tap in to some divine patience.
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May 31st, 2011
| 03:43 pm
I'm taking it easy today. My weekend wasn't stressful, but it was somewhat busy, and the weather didn't help. It's hot, very hot. I'm watching The Love Boat online to just keep calm. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day I find out how the interview went. It will be a yes or no, obviously. I'm nervous, also obviously, but I'm nervous about all of it. If they say no, I'll be going back to what I was doing, hacking out a few freelance things and looking for work. If they say yes, my life is going to change, not just from the past year, but more than that.
This place is far different than my first job. The work is different, the people are different, and perhaps the biggest thing: profit. I worked in non-profit for almost 7 years. That is a very odd environment. In the profit world, you're expected to actually make a profit so some things just aren't tolerated. I would love that everyone was held accountable, but it would be something to get used to, that's for sure.
She said it could be Thursday, so not to freak out if I didn't get a call tomorrow. But I think it will be tomorrow. I know that answering that phone will be very hard and I'll have trouble sleeping tonight. If anything, I'd love to get a job just so this waiting, searching, and stressing business would be over. I'm ready to move on.
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May 26th, 2011
 | 05:41 pm - A Reflection on Self-Esteem
In my life, I've had a lot of struggles with self-esteem. Those struggles usually involved some kind of need to feel important or valid in a situation where I was neither of those things... or so I thought. When I was in school, the emphasis was on popularity and what usually made someone popular. I wasn't rich, I didn't have a lot of cool stuff or clothes. I wasn't pretty, or at least wasn't pretty based on what the other kids thought of as pretty. Those things seemed to cancel my hopes of feeling valid in that society. What I didn't understand was that there were things about me those other kids didn't have. I was an artist, or at least a budding one. I was a talented musician. I wasn't too bad with academics either. What I lacked in some things, I made up in others. Over time, I came to view myself as valid for who I was, not invalid for who I wasn't.
Even today, I fall into slumps where I feel like I'm not much use to anyone. I take a look around, get some perspective, and see things aren't as bad as I think. Looking back, I realize though I didn't see it at the time, people thought me very important. I wanted to be treated like the popular kids and when I didn't get what I wanted (or at least what I thought I wanted) I felt downtrodden. As it turns out, we can't pick and choose how people view us. Oftentimes, we see ourselves in a harsher light. I saw an awkward, chubby, girl; they saw a talented individual who was also a great listener and friend. As I struggled to gain the validation I thought would ease the pain in my self-esteem, I was ignoring the balm of truth at arm's length. I was trying to fill a round hole with a square peg.
I suppose this is what I need to remember when I find myself utterly befuddled by others. The reasons for behaviors and beliefs are seldom clear. Though on occasion, words may be only words, more often than not, they're the proverbial tip of the iceberg. A behavior may not always be what it seems, it could be a very practiced defense mechanism for a tender and wounded soul. I know not everyone can heal quickly and some never heal at all. Over the years I've found a way to wrestle emotion and logic into a convivial relationship, though it hasn't been easy. As I said, I still have my problems, but I recognize what they are and why I have them. I can only hope everyone can find ways to cope because everyone has things that make them special. Those things may not be what we think we want, but they're what God gave us.
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May 25th, 2011
| 03:18 pm - Every New Beginning...
I had a job interview today, the first real one since I lost my job over a year ago. I was terribly nervous. This is a great company, very professional and high energy. I am one of two candidates and I should know something by next Wednesday. Let's just say I would love to work for this company! This kind of job and this kind of environment is what I've always dreamed of. This is my road, to be part of an amazing and successful company, be a cog in a well-oiled machine. So yeah, I'll be sad if I don't get an offer. I just have to give it to God. He knows what's best.
Seems there's a lot of changes on the horizon. My favorite coffee shop is rebranding, getting their beans from a different supplier and changing the overall look and feel of their store. I just found this out. It's not a horrible thing, I don't think, just kind of a shock. I've known them as that particular name for so long, it'll be hard to get used to.
I feel like that's not all, for some reason. If I did get this job, it would expose me to a whole new group of people. Who knows, there may be some potential friends there. I love meeting new people, testing the waters. I adore my friends, though we do disagree sometimes. I'm glad they've been so supportive and understanding. When you find a path for yourself, see what's possible, it feels great. It's awesome that my friends and family have been patient with me and allowed me to do just that.
Here's to a hopeful new beginning!
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May 24th, 2011
| 05:16 pm - Learning to Fly
"Put yourself in my shoes." That's a nice thought, but I don't think it's feasible. True empathy in any situation is pretty much impossible. Even twins can't completely know what their sibling feels, all superstitious 'psychic links' aside. Every person has a different point of view; that's what makes us... us. Unless it's a question of something truly black and white, differing opinions are just fine.
I've had a lot of experience dealing with other people's problems. I was that person in school the other kids only talked to when they were in a bind and needed advice. I've patched friendships, played matchmaker, and dug people out of harmful holes. Even though I may have said "I understand how you feel" once or twice, I didn't say it much and I try not to say it at all these days. If I've learned anything from a lifetime of playing free counselor, it's that I can't possibly know exactly how anyone feels. All I can do is listen, be empathetic and caring, and give advice when it's asked for. To do anything else would be an intrusion on that person's feelings and a negation of their free will.
Listening, counseling, and being a good friend is kind of like being the passenger in a car. We may feel ill at ease sometimes when the driver takes a curve a bit too fast. It's okay to say 'careful there' when needed, but we have to remember, when it comes to the lives of others, they're the driver. We can't know exactly how the car is handling. We don't know how much pressure is on the gas or brake. We have a completely different view of the situation. And though we may be watching the same road, we may not always have our eyes on the same part of that road. That again is the beauty of individuality.
Whether we think we're walking just fine in someone's shoes or driving psychically from the back seat, we have to understand that this is their path, their road. The turns, travels, and tracks they take are up to them. We can caution at times, but trying to live someone's life for them isn't fair to them or to us. I suppose it's what watching a child grow up must be like, learning to let go. Just think, what would the beautiful skies of this world be if mother birds never let their babies take that leap from the nest. Friendship is like that too. If we never let our friends and family find their own way, whether or not we think they're going about it the right way, we're not truly allowing them to flourish.
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May 18th, 2011
| 08:53 pm - Writer's Block: Collect 'em all
I have collected a lot of things over the years. I have a nice collection of Legos, some from when I was a kid. I also own a lot of X-Files memorabilia as it is my favorite fandom of all time. I have a number of 'retro' items from clothes to furnishings. I'd say my most loved collection at present is of paper, specifically the work of early 20th century designer, illustrator, and artist T.M. Cleland. I have lots of different representations of his work; prints, magazines and books, autographed photos, and even a rough draft painting. I started collecting his work after I bought a Saturday Evening Post Cadillac ad from 1928 in an antique store. Cleland designed the ad and did the illustration complete with flapper-era golfers and a bright red Cadillac coupe.
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